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Tuesday, July 10, 2007

The Journey

Infertility hurts.
It is something that I wish upon no one and pray that no one has to endure it as I did. At the same time though I am so thankful for what I have been through. Infertility changed my life.... for the better. I know, it strange that something so hard and so hurtful can be so amazing at the same time.
When I learned that I had fertility problems my first thought was get me a doctor and some medicine and this will all be fixed in no time. I will be pregnant in a few months. God had different plans for me! See, I am someone who likes control and likes to be informed and take charge of everything. I don't like uncertainty. So of course I thought that fertility could be fixed just like everything else. I WAS WRONG! I thought I could go through all this alone and it would be easy, I am strong.
The Lord really changed me and got me through the hardest time in my life. The first few months of going through test after test and being told that my cycle was cancelled numerous times, I blamed me then I blamed God. Why was He doing this to me? Why am I being punished, what had I done? I was angry and mad that everything was falling apart. I was scared, hurt and most of all felt very alone. Brian was there of course and helped me along the way. He has been so amazing I can't imagine what I would do without him. I still felt alone, I felt empty, why was my body not working? Many months passed while I felt this way. I still wanted control, I still wanted to be the one to say everything is fixed. I wanted to be the one to bring good news. I was being so selfish.
After April of 07 when our first embryo transfer didn't work I was broken. I didn't have any answers as to why and had to tell everyone I talked to about the transfer that it didn't work. That in itself was one of the hardest things. I felt as if I was letting people down. I finally threw my hands up and gave it to God. I said take it, I am so tired and I can't do it anymore. I prayed for His will to be done no matter what it was. I am trusting in His guidance and no matter what happened I would stay faithful.
Through this struggle Brian and I have become a better couple, we commuincate better, love stronger and have a deeper appreciation for one another. I am so thankful Christ brought him in my life. As for my relationship with the Lord. It has grown leaps and bounds. I have learned much to my suprise to trust, have faith and give Him everything. It is such a struggle for me because I am a control freak and sometimes I convert to my old ways and want to know what is going on NOW but I back down and pray that His will is done! It is not an easy transition but one I am growing to know.
So, I am very thankful for going through infertility and going through this struggle because it has taught me to grow up, brought me closer to my husband and given me the type of relationship with the Lord that I have been yerning for.

A close friend gave me a quote that is in my office that I read daily that reminds me to trust in Him no matter the circumstance.
"All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen"


Karie said...

wow what a story. i'm glad you have used a situation that breaks your heart to bring you closer to your family, your friends, and God. that's awesome, courtney! miss you!

jess said...

Courtney thank you for being so transparent! i pray that you and your husband will find the answers to your prayers!