like a ton of bricks....
I just realized that my boys are in the NICU and not home being newborns. I don't know why it took me three weeks but it has. I don't feel like a real mom. I feel that my babies are at a baby sitters 24/7. I go up to feed them twice, change their diapers and take their temperature. The drive, the NICU and everything is just getting to me and I am sad. I just want them home and crying for me, in swings smiling, seeing their sleep patterns, and waking me up at three in the morning to do whatever they need me to do. I just feel so detached!
Don't get me wrong, the boys are doing well but I did not think they would be in the NICU for at least three weeks. Brandon most likely will be over six pounds before he gets home. He is struggling with finishing his bottles. He is on four bottle, every other feeding and seems to only finish two out of the four so they are not going to progress up to five yet. Please pray that he catches on and that he starts to finish all his bottle feeds. When he does not finish that means he has to stay in the NICU longer to learn. I just want him HOME. The neonatologist says it is just a classic case of prematurity. John is doing well... he lost a little weight but that is because he is working so hard on feeding. HE IS ON EIGHT BOTTLES!!! They took out the feeding tube and now he just has to keep up his body temperature and sustain the eight bottles and he should be home next week..... most likely without his brother. Please pray that John can keep his temperature up and sustain the eight bottles per day.
Please also pray for Brian and I to be able to handle bringing home one of our sons and not both at the same time. I know it will be amazing to bring one of them home but it will be so hard to leave one there.
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Like mother like daughter
5 years ago
3 comments:
I am sure it is really tough on you to have the NICU staff take care of your boys, but pretty soon you'll have them home! They are both just precious! By the way, I admire you for your "decision" - you ARE their Mom and you have to decide what works best for you, your husband and your boys. I enjoy reading your blog and seeing your miracle babies! Take care and God Bless!
Courtney - I can only imagine how difficult it must be to feel so seperated from your boys. Don't for a minute believe that you are not a "real mom". You are dealing with a situation that would hurt any mother's heart, and you are handling it like a champion. It brings tears to my eyes knowing how much you long for the boys to be home, I can only imagine.
I am praying for you and the boys and I pray that it won't be long before BOTH boys are home with you and Brian.
Courtney--I know that you don't know me, but I found your blog through Katy's and saw how much you are struggling and felt compelled to leave a comment.
All mom's feel like failures in the beginning. Even if you had brought your boys straight home from the hospital you would still feel that way. It's okay to be sad and to worry. Your boys are getting stronger as are you. Remember that soon you will have all the time in the world to love on them and take care of them. Rest in knowing that God is providing time for you and your boys to heal. Praying for you.
Nikki
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